Why You Should Take A Time Out During Conflict

If you are a parent (and even if you’re not), it’s likely you know what a time-out is. What about for adults? When would that be appropriate? For some individuals, the need for a time-out during conflict comes as a necessary tool to help with anger management. For couples, it may be used as a tool to prevent having an explosive argument or shutting the other person out in anger.  Recognizing the need for a time-out during conflict is very important and can help prevent irreparable damage in your relationships.

Taking a time out can seem like a childish task, but it can be useful in most heightened emotional states to help calm down and readdress the issue in a productive way. When that anger starts to rise, it’s important to have a plan in place to help manage and calm yourself down.

5 Ways To Take A Time Out During Conflict

Check in with yourself

Recognize where you are (both physical location and emotional). Is your heart beating fast? Is your voice escalating? Are your feelings getting more intense? Think about what emotional or physical symptoms you have that indicate a need for a time-out. There will come a time in a conflict when your emotions inside build up and turn outward. A conflict can become heated and nasty, using criticism, sarcasm, name-calling, and more. So taking a time out during conflict can not only protect the other person you may care about, but also protect yourself from losing control.

Communicate the need for a time-out

The need for a time-out comes before the “fight or flight” response is triggered. It is easier to hold yourself accountable when the other person is aware of your needs. It is important to have this conversation before an argument occurs, if possible. If not, express it respectfully. You might say something like this: “Sometimes when we disagree, I can get too emotionally overwhelmed, so I may need to give myself a time out to calm down, so that we can continue the talk productively”. Having this conversation before a fight happens will help the other person avoid feeling neglected or “walked out on” in the conflict.

Create and discuss the terms

Discuss what a time-out during conflict will look like and hold yourself to it. Part of the conversation of expressing the need for a time out is explaining and agreeing on what that time out will look like.

Set a time limit

It will help the other person feel respected rather than dismissed. It will also help you stay accountable and prevent the “sweeping it under the rug” tactic. The time limit should be the amount of time it takes to de-escalate your intense emotions. This can be shorter or longer depending on the issue and the person, but a general rule of thumb is that you should always come back to the issue to discuss within 24 hours.

Discuss what you will be doing

Maybe taking a walk or a jog will calm you down. Maybe you need to get lost in a book for 30 minutes. Whether it is walking, reading, praying, or yoga, do something that helps you calm down and helps you recover from your emotional intensity. Let your partner know before there is conflict what type of things help you calm down. Otherwise, they might feel like you blew them off to go to yoga with your friends.

Commit to processing the emotions.

The purpose of a time-out during conflict is to process your own emotions while reflecting on why the time-out was needed. In this moment, you may identify what triggered you and how you were feeling. Think in “I” statements. The ability to avoid blaming language is a big step in having a healthy conversation after the time out. Try to spend a moment reflecting on the other person’s point of view. Perhaps you don’t agree with them, but you can likely understand where they are coming from if you try.

Request the need for a time out during conflict

Now that your partner knows you may sometimes need a time out during conflict, it is important to recognize your symptoms and request the time out. Calling a timeout for yourself is not as easy in the moment as it may seem, but it is very important to call it for yourself. Think about it in this way: how often does it work when you tell someone, “You need to calm down” or “You need a time out.” That probably wouldn’t go over so well. It is much more helpful to be aware of your triggers and emotions.

Continue the Conversation

Returning to a tense discussion can seem scary or make you feel vulnerable, because there’s a fear that things will escalate again. Resuming the conversation after the time limit has been reached is a huge step toward conflict resolution. Now that your emotions have calmed, resuming the conversation will show that you are committed to working things out. In this time, remember to be assertive, speak for yourself (without blaming language), listen intently, and be respectful to the other person’s emotions.

Anger management is one of the most commonly sought-after therapy techniques for individuals. It is important to note that whether it is expressed or not, anger doesn’t just go away. Taking a time out during conflict can help manage anger healthily. Taking a time out during conflict can be useful in calming down the emotional intensity of an argument. Coming back to a difficult topic later can help you avoid the “sweeping things under the rug” tendency that leads to resentment. It also helps you feel good about yourself, knowing you successfully returned to an issue that previously would have caused you to shut down or explode and had a productive conversation instead.

If you are struggling with managing your emotions when things escalate or you think you could benefit from time-outs during conflict, I highly recommend John Gottman’s book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.” If you’d like to join me on our 2019 Luxe Couples Retreat, we will spend a whole day focusing on your conflict cycle and healthy ways to manage difficult emotions and conflict. I’d love to see you there!