Have you ever gotten the sense that someone is mad at you and they haven’t said a word? Or maybe you’ve felt terrified but thought you were hiding it, only for everyone to notice? Have you argued with your partner without knowing how it started, just from them asking “what’s wrong?”, and you simply replied with “Nothing.” We constantly communicate through non-verbal cues, including body and facial language.
Research has shown that over 70% of our communication is nonverbal. Both Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. John Gotten, leaders in the field of couples therapy, have found that the brain reads, receives, processes and prepares for a response in 3/100th of a second to these micro-expressions. Our brain and body prepare and send a response to those non-verbal cues in less than 1/100th of a second. This happens as part of our natural fight-flight-faint response. This very thing that helps to protect us in many situations can severely damage encounters and relationships. So, when you think you feel like you don’t know how you ended up in an argument, this process is partly to blame.
It is difficult to over-ride a system that has been a part of the human experience for thousands of years. So, rather than trying to undo it, we can learn to work with it. We can do this by using our thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) and our words to create a safer atmosphere for communicating. Our emotional brain reacts much quicker than our thinking brain, so it needs time to help us communicate in a way that is non-threatening.
These are a few ways to do that:
Slow down.
Slowing down our body and its natural responses can allow the slower part of our brain, the thinking brain, time to process all of the information we’re receiving and prepare to send a response or communicate in a way we intend and know will be helpful, not hurtful.
Start with “I” statements.
“I am feeling scared right now.”, “I am feeling overwhelmed right now.” or “I am not sure what I’m feeling or thinking right now.” Rather than attacking or accusing with a “what’s wrong with you” or “why are you so mad”, start with talking about what you are feeling and experiencing. This will give your partner time to figure out what they are feeling and what their body is saying to you. It’s easy to become accusatory or defensive without even knowing what’s happening inside of us so take the time to slow down and share how you are feeling.
Be aware of the signals or non-verbal cues you are giving.
Given the above, we’re already sending out non-verbal cue signals to our partners without knowing it. So when we’ve seen someone who looks mad, we prepare to fight or flight with our facial and body expressions. It has already happened, and you’ve sent a response that likely makes things worse rather than better.
Reflect – SOFTLY.
Put to words what it is you are seeing and share that. For instance, if you perceive your partner as angry, remember that anger often masks sadness or fear. You might say, “It looks like you might be feeling sad or scared. Is there something I can do to support you or help you talk to me?” If they dig in and say they are just mad or just mad at you, reassure them that you will be there when they are ready to talk.
Take a time out.
Let your partner know if you are feeling overwhelmed, defensive, angry, etc. It’s always okay to ask for a break to calm down or collect your thoughts. Just make sure to let your partner know when you plan to re-address the issue. Don’t just leave them hanging with non-verbal cues!
Skills to avoid defensiveness are learned and don’t develop easily or overnight. It takes lots of practice.
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