Relationship Vulnerabilities: How Does An Affair Happen?

When you think of the idea of the perfect love story, what comes to mind? For me, I think about a beautiful couple having a fabulous time together, getting lost in conversations and one another’s eyes. I picture a couple who share their dreams, passions, fears, and goals. They feel safe with one another. Relationship vulnerabilities? None. They are always smiling, laughing, and can’t keep their hands off one another. Eventually, this “perfect” couple would have the perfect wedding and live happily ever after with the white picket fence and 2  kids.  If only it were that easy. I wouldn’t have a job!

The truth is that any relationship takes effort, time, commitment, and intentionality continually. Simply stated, it takes work!  Life can often run us over with responsibilities. Those 2 kids? They are demanding and take so much attention, energy, and responsibility. That house with the picket fence? These days, it takes two-income families to be able to maintain the mortgage, cars, and other bills to maintain their lifestyle.  That “perfect” relationship? For many couples, it takes a backseat and will often be run over by life. Affairs occur due to this lack of intentionality and relationship vulnerabilities that are not detected or recognized. Research indicates that, on average, 50% of married men and women will cheat on their spouse.

I don’t know how you feel hearing that, but I think that statistic is alarming. That’s HALF of married couples who will experience the damaging effects of infidelity. That’s the bad news. The good news is that you can recover from an affair. Discovering relationship vulnerabilities that opened a window to an affair in the first place can help you affair-proof your relationship moving forward. What are these relationship vulnerabilities, and how can you spot red flags?

You have little communication, or your communication is not effective. 

Communication is a common thread that runs through every part of our relationships.  If there is a communication deficiency, it can often lead to avoidant behavior, assumptions, and unhealthy conflict behaviors. Honest communication with your partner about emotions, expectations, fears, and needs will leave little room for guesswork and lessen the disconnect.

What’s your sex life have to do with it?

Many times, people think affairs occur because sex is not frequent enough in the relationship. Although a lack of intimacy can be a part of the issue, it goes deeper than just sex.  Intimacy occurs when there is a connection between two people on a deeper emotional level. Men can often feel like less of a priority or disrespected when the relationship lacks intimacy. Women often feel emotionally abandoned or not heard and validated when emotional intimacy is lacking.

Your relationship is on “auto pilot.”

We all know it – life happens and life isn’t easy.  Children, bills, life transitions (both positive ones and difficult ones), work stress, and loss can make anyone struggle to stay intentional. People tend to take their spouse for granted, assuming they will always be there or understand. Quality time can diminish, leaving you feeling more and more disconnected.  Partners must continue to date one another and maintain the foundational friendship that sparked the relationship in the beginning.
Example: If there has been an earthquake in a different part of the country, you may say something like, “There was an earthquake far away and people were hurt. But we did not have an earthquake here, and you are safe.” This is a true statement that speaks to the event, while offering reassurance to your child.

Discovering these relationship vulnerabilities that led to the indiscretions can be painful but insightful. Identifying the relationship vulnerabilities is a step in the right direction for affair recovery.  Couples counseling is encouraged to provide couples with emotional repair and communication tools to repair relationship vulnerabilities. You may find some of my other blogs on affair recovery helpful. I always recommend couples counseling to ensure you truly repair your relationship and properly heal from infidelity. This is a difficult time, but it is not hopeless.