Keeping Your Relationship Strong During The Struggles Of Infertility
When you and your partner decide to start a family, it can be one of the most exciting times in your relationship. How will you tell your family? Have you pictured how you would announce it on social media? You’ve likely wondered how your life will change. You may have names picked out or dream of having a baby boy or girl. How would your life change if it were a boy or a girl? There are so many things to feel excited about.
Unfortunately, there’s one thing that keeps us away from being confident about our pregnancy.
For many couples, getting pregnant is not an easy thing to do. Over 6 million women in the United States, or 10% of women aged 15-44, struggle with infertility. This one word can turn a time of excitement and happiness into a time of deep sadness, confusion, and isolation. Both men and women may experience some or all of these difficult emotions. There can be physical, emotional, and often financial stress.
Infertility is almost always accompanied by added relationship stress. Fertility is a fickle thing, and there is very little that couples have control over when they are struggling with fertility. However, relationship stress and tension during this time is one thing that you have some control over.
Outlined below are 4 simple steps to keep your relationship strong, even during the struggles of infertility.
Infertility? Talk about it.
Although this may seem obvious, I cannot tell you how many couples I see who have struggled with infertility and have not told the other person about what they are experiencing. Some feel embarrassed, inadequate, damaged, and afraid – those are not easy emotions to talk about. However, not talking about how you are feeling can leave you feeling like you are going through it alone, or you may convince yourself you aren’t allowed to feel the way you do. No matter what you are feeling during this time, tell your partner about it. Make sure, during this, to use “I statements” to avoid the second step on this list.
Do not blame
The human body can do miraculous things and act in confusing ways. Sometimes there is an explanation for infertility, while other times there is not. The medical term used when doctors cannot know for sure what is causing the infertility is truly “unexplained infertility”. Whichever is the case, blaming one person or the other is never helpful. Blame creates an atmosphere of isolation and judgment in a relationship. These two things are not beneficial in supporting your partner. They are likely to increase stress in the relationship, which is the opposite of what you want during this time. In 2010, the National Institute of Health published this helpful study discussing the correlation between stress hormones and struggles to conceive.
Find support for dealing with infertility outside of the relationship.
As much as talking to your spouse is important, there may be things that they just can’t understand. Whether this is utilizing your friends and family, or finding a group through your doctor, talking to others who have either gone through something like this before or are supportive of you can help immensely. Make sure you talk to your partner about whom you are sharing things with. If you tell friends, co-workers, or family, and your partner is not comfortable with that, that may cause additional stress on your relationship. Infertility is a very private subject; you want to be mindful of this sensitive subject and how your partner feels about you sharing.
Focus on things other than getting pregnant.
Although this may sound counterintuitive, your relationship needs to continue outside the struggle of infertility. Plan dates, go on trips, and spend time together talking about things other than getting pregnant. These should be things that the two of you enjoy doing, that are either relaxing or bonding. Not letting the relationship fall to the side while focusing on infertility will better prepare the two of you, no matter the outcome. Check out my recent blog post on how taking a vacation and trying new activities can strengthen your connection to your partner.
Infertility is an emotional roller coaster. There are highs and lows, and you never quite know when it will come to an end. If you have your partner right next to you supporting you through, the highs can be celebrated, and the lows will be a little less lonely.
If you and your partner are struggling with the emotional or relational issues that often accompany infertility, reach out for help. I highly recommend this team of therapists at FTAJ. They are relationship experts and can help you organize your thoughts, process your feelings, and improve your relationship despite the challenges. Schedule your appointment today.
