Ambiguous Loss After An Affair: What Is It?

What is ambiguous loss?

When people first find out about an affair, they are left with many questions. Those questions usually include how and why, among about a million other racing thoughts. Betrayed partners feel a vast array of emotions that can change multiple times from day to day, or even within the same day. One of the most common emotions is grief. They are grieving the loss of what they thought their relationship was. Many times, partners are blind sighted by the affair and will look back and question if moments in their life were “real.” They may recall one of their children’s birthday parties or a vacation where they thought things were good, only to realize their partner was having an affair at that time. This is what we call an ambiguous loss: grieving the idea of what your relationship was.

What  if your relationship wasn’t what it seemed to be at all?

The unfortunate truth is that research shows that some form of infidelity occurs, be it romantic and sexual or emotional, in well over 50 percent of marriages. This loss and grief of your relationship, or the idea of what your relationship once was, combined with the fear of never having closure – that’s ambiguous loss.

What do you lose in an affair?

Life can, and often does, become confusing and exhausting after an affair. You may experience sleepless nights from crying and reminiscing over the good days. You’re not understanding what went wrong in your relationship. Maybe you’ve begun dreaming about the affair or having intrusive or obsessive thoughts.  You struggle to see how you will begin moving forward. How can you forgive? How can things ever go back to the way they were? What does “the way they were” even mean? You thought everything was good, meanwhile, your partner was emotionally and physically connecting with someone else.

So much loss occurs following an affair. Some losses may include the loss of your identity, ambiguous loss – the loss of the idea you had about your relationship, or you may lose faith in God. You probably lost some of your self-esteem and dignity. You’ve been robbed of some of the good times you thought you’d had with your partner. You’ve lost your sense of specialness. This list goes on and on.

The two types of ambiguous loss

Physical absence with psychological presence

This type of ambiguous loss is experienced when a loved one is physically missing or away. Some catastrophic examples may include natural disasters. However, more common examples of physical ambiguous loss are divorce and affairs.

Psychological absence with physical presence

This loss occurs when the partner is psychologically absent. They may be emotionally or cognitively checked out. More extreme cases may be Alzheimer’s disease, traumatic brain injury, addiction, mental illness, or other chronic illnesses. More common losses may occur when the partner is there but is not emotionally present or available. They seem not to care.

So what can you do?

In addition to experiencing ambiguous loss, if you’ve been betrayed, you have likely lost the ability and motivation to trust. You probably feel a pretty big void. You may be feeling more insecure and struggling with self-esteem. Recovering from ambiguous loss and the aftermath of an affair, whether alone or together, takes time. Give yourself time to heal. Show yourself some kindness, grace, and patience. I also recommend seeking professional help. I highly recommend the team at Family Therapy Associates – they specialize in relationship issues and couples work. They can help you regain a sense of stability, hope, and healing.

Also, check out our other related articles: Nine Initial Steps to Move Forward After the Affair and The Seven Dreadful Actions: What Not to Do After an Affair.